I Don’t Know the Title

I don’t know a lot of things. Like right now, I don’t know what to do. Or where to go. I’m sure many people had been on this road before, where they had to decide their paths in life. What I’m trying to say is, I’m going to university people. Or at least, I’m deciding if I want to go to university. Two years ago, if you had asked me this, I would have definitively said yes, uni and onwards to a PhD, no questions about it. Now though, I’m torn.

On one hand, my parents are willing to financially support my university education, with my father wanting me to go for it full-time. On the other hand, I’m 22 fucking years old and I still need my parents for financial aid. I know that in Singapore, this is a common happening as all eligible male have to enlist for conscription for two years, meaning two years of menial pay and no real income. There’s nothing I should be ashamed about. But I can’t help but feel that I’m a failure for not being completely independent at this point. I want to be financially independent, but to do that while being asked to study full-time in Singapore is next to impossible.

And even if I were to take up the offer of university, I still have to choose where to go. Singapore’s university lacks any real freedom of information and speech for a media centric person like me to do anything. I have family in Melbourne, Australia (which is where I am now), but the country’s living speed is so slow, I don’t think I can get anything done while I’m here. If I were to study in Melbourne, I would have to probably give up my film dreams. I’ve also thought of England as a possible place to further my studies in the language, as America is for films. But those two would be the most expensive of options, even if I were to bunk in with friends there. And lets face it, in this day and age, an arts of film degree is next to useless in their fields. People out there are looking for experience, which is why many upstarts are choosing to self publish their works since, you know, they have no prior experience and need stable income in this ever more financially draining age.

Let’s not forget about courses to choose from. I specialized in media and technology for my polytechnic diploma, but as stated above, continuing down the film line might be a dead end. And I don’t particularly excel in the technology part. I’m a writer, that’s for sure. But an English or Literature degree is questionable as well (see above). I have some design backgrounds, but I can’t draw biological art to save my life, so that’s half a glass of maybe right there. I have the mind for visualizing and and conceptualizing mechanical components, but my mathematical abilities are lacking. I could also go straight into the working industry and forgo the degree for awhile, which is another dangerous path to go down on in this day and age where nearly half of the people in my age group in Singapore have a degree.

Don’t worry though, I haven’t forgotten my bipolar disorder either. Because who could forgot a constant noise in your head that at occasions tries to murder you? It’s not that easy a thing to put aside. Whatever path I choose, I have to make sure the environment is conducive enough that I don’t kill myself from stress. Singapore is somewhere I know I can handle. Australia, England and the States? No idea. It’s part of the reason why I came to Melbourne for these next few weeks, to see if there’s any changes to my mental condition that I should worry about from being such a long way from my room (read: sanctuary).

Whatever choice I decide to take, failure is not an option for me, because failing would lead me to a financial crisis and, I’m pretty sure of this, another episode of depression. I barely survived my last one. I kissed death at the door and never called back, and now she’s a vengeful ex that’s hot on my tail. Not that I would know what having an ex feels like. What I’m trying to say is, if I fail here, I’m probably going to die. There’s a silver lining if I’ve ever saw one. I cannot stress this enough though. There is a really, really good chance I might die from failing this.

These are all first world problems, of course. I have a computer, a PS4, food, water, and nothing that people in developing and warring countries have to worry about. But for the past 18 years of life I can remember, I’ve known a lot of internal struggling, a lot of exit strategies (suicide) walked away from. There was a lot of drama, and fighting. Lots of failures, very little success. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever succeeded at anything in my life. I’ve received many, many second chances to make up for my shortcomings, and I feel like this decision I’m about to make will be the last chance I am ever going to get at aiming for my dreams. But to do so would mean putting my life on the line, and the financial stability of my family and the possible future of my 4 younger siblings, since I’ll be spending such a large amount for university. Am I, the failure of forever, really worth this?

I feel like there’s a bullseye the size of an apple hanging 100 yards in front of me. And I’ve been given an entire table of oversized darts. And I only have one chance of hitting it. And if I miss, I die. And I’m naked.

I’d rather face a zombie apocalypse.

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