I’ve hit that point in life where I need to decide where to go. I thought I had it figured out. Two years ago, before entering conscription, I was dead set on going university and studying English Literature or upping it to a film school. When I was serving my army time however, I thought it would be best to just jump straight to work, as a film and English degree isn’t exactly the most useful thing to have. Now, I’m torn between being realistic and going to work in an un-fulfilling society in a country that treats its citizen workers like dirt, or go for broke and up it to a university in a country that I have never been to in order to chase a stupid dream. So I’m hoping to write myself into clarity again. Let’s begin!
Everywhere I turn, it seems that the world is going to shit. Hong Kong with its protest, America and the whole ISIS thing. Even my own country, Singapore, has it’s own stupid situation that makes me want to slap the faces of a few million people at the same time. But I digress. It makes me wonder though, if there’s a place in this world for a man like myself. I don’t ask for much. A stable, 9-5 job where I can go home to my family and stories every night. I don’t need to earn much. 3k a month is more than enough for me to survive for, well, forever.
Then I turn to look at the going ons of the world and I worry. The triviality of the defamation propaganda of my country. The madness of the laws of Singapore and the resulting lack of freedom of speech. The broken protests. The stupid, dump, retarded, idiotic discussions about politics on my Facebook feed that has zero amount of understanding to the situation. The overwhelming bombardment of negativity at trivial happenings of the country.
And I find myself asking, “I’m the one with a mental illness. So why are all of you insane?”
There’s next to no living in Singapore for people of the arts. The tight media control mean publishers for written works are government regulated. We only have one broadcast station, also government regulated. To work in one of the smaller production houses mostly means being underpaid, understaffed, overworked, and overtime. Lots and lots of overtime. With no overtime pay as well. In fact, the only viable career path right now in Singapore is to sign on with with military, which is saying a lot about us. So staying in Singapore and working is a bad choice, if all these points are concerned.
Wrong! Cause leaving? That’s uprooting my life and spending over 300,000 dollars just to settle into a university. That’s 300,000 dollars that I-, well, my family has it, and my parents are willing to pay that amount, but I am not willing to let them! That’s a lot of money for a useless prick like me. And I’ve thought about it, going to university on my parents’ money. But it just makes me want to take up a more useful degree even more! I’ve always worked with failure in mind. Failure is an option for me. It has always been. It takes the edge of an otherwise hectic life. Going to university overseas means I cannot fail. I must succeed, less I disappoint my parents.
I could always choose to go to university in Singapore. A lot cheaper, but I find it not worth it, given the situation the country is heading to. And if I ever want to expand my career of writing or films to anything beyond semi-pro, I cannot afford to stay here, under these working conditions no less. I have to make a choice soon. Argh!
I’ll be going to Australia the week after to stay with my sister for awhile. I told my parents I would think about this while I was there. Might do me some good to do some soul searching away from home. Oh, and 139 Years to the End of the World overtook In Evening in +votes recently. That’s bitter-sweet news I guess. But hey! It means at least in one aspect, I’m not a complete failure.
Well, so much for writing into clarity. Haven’t gained squat. Maybe you readers would like to share about your own hard, life-changing choices?