I think my readers might be sadists. I get 8 times more readers for my posts on Bipolar Disorder than anything else. But I don’t want to flood this blog with just the grim and dim stories of pain and death all the time.  Life’s not always depressing or maniac, even though they mostly are. There are the rare normal days too. So instead of a story update or life with BD, today, I’m going to do a little comedy list I came up last night.

As I’ve said before, I am currently in my 2 years conscription and have a bunk to stay in the camp. And there’s no proper bunk without bunk mates to share them with. And one of them (let’s call him Shawn) is considerably ‘unique’ to the point where it is just plain confusing. He’s too proud a guy to admit he’s ever wrong. And he’s wrong a lot. Also kind of egocentric. So here’s a list of 7 things he did or said that will forever make me question the universe.

7: The Ukulele Jam

He has a ukulele. That’s totally cool in my book. I mean, I make fun of it every now and then, sure. But as a person who has zero musical talents, it’s hard for me to seriously make fun of someone who can play an instrument. Even if said instrument is the sizing equivalent of my pinky to my index.

The part that really had me laughing in stitches was when one of the other guys from another bunk brought in an acoustic guitar, Shawn went over there with his little ukulele and asked, in as cheesy a manner as one can ever tone themselves to, “Take out your guitar man! Let’s jam!”

I don’t know about others, but there are certain combinations of instruments that are just not socially compatible to ‘jam’ with. The only one that I can think of off the top to fit a ukulele is a banjo and I really doubt anyone will bring one in after that.

6: The Swimming Joke

There’s four people in my bunk and two of them are swimmers, including Shawn. So when the two swimmers came back one day after swimming practice for the inter-division competition, they were saying how cramped their butt muscles were.

So I jokingly asked, “Did you guys get fucked in the ass?”

The other bunk mate immediately said no. But Shawn, in all his wisdom, thought I was praising them and that I had said, “Wow, you guys must have swam for a long time.”

I have no idea how he made that connection or how selective his hearing had to be to change that sentence that way. But his totally serious, no joke reply was priceless.

Me: Did you guys get fucked in the ass?

Shawn: For about three hours.

5: My Singing is Terrific!

Shawn likes to sing. He sings on the stairs. In the room. In the shower. Sometimes he sings with his ukulele. The problem is, he’s a choir boy, so he sounds about as nice alone as the man that watches porn on the train. He’s got no beat or rhythm, and can’t cover a large range of notes. Sometimes the singing is tolerable when he doesn’t try to hit the high notes. But when he does, it sounds like rubbing Styrofoams together.

When I asked him to stop singing cause it’s terrible, his argument was, “A lot of girls said my singing is good.”

Knowing girls to be much kinder in terms of critiquing friends, I asked, “Have any guys told you your singing was good?”

“No. But my mother and father are very supportive.”

Again, supportive parents. Great. Not so great when coming to terms with reality. “So…no one outside of nice girls and your parents ever said your singing was good?”

“I belief in myself. So my singing must be terrific!” he proceeds to sing the very awe inspiring, Let It Go from Disney’s Frozen, once again ruining another good song with his attempts at high pitch.

Seriously, he’s going to be so disappointed when reality hits him. Belief in myself. Pfft! If it was that easy, I’d have a 139 movie by now.

4: I Didn’t Get a Chance to Use Dagon

So this is a game thing. Dagon is an item in the Massive Online Battle Arena game, DotA (Defense of the Ancients) and DOTA 2. Because its effects are similar to the skill Finger of Death, the act of activating Dagon had come to be known as ‘giving the finger’. It’s not a hard thing to use either. You click the item, you click your target, bam! Fingered.

There’s even a mechanic where you can give your courier (a animal with low HP and no mana) items that gives him mana along with Dagon, and have it do the fingering for you! Which lead to the hilarious term “Fingered to death by a flying chicken” (The old courier was a chicken).

It’s a damn near fool proof item so not being able to use it means that you need to a) not be able to execute a simple two click move or, b) be out of mana. Being out of mana means you have no business buying a Dagon in a first place. As for (a), well, I just can’t fathom that.

So when I was told Shawn, “Didn’t get a chance to use Dagon” in a losing battle, when you can use it literally any freaking time under almost any conditions, well, I had to question his intellect a little. Yes, I am a terrible person.

3: The Nest of Pet Spiders

We clean our own bunks. That’s a given. But more importantly, since our rooms are divided into four equal sections by our beds, we generally just need to take care of our own area. So when there was a stand-by-area (an inspection by officers to check the cleanliness and conditions of our bunks) and my bunk mates were busy with work, I went ahead to clean the place by myself.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that there was a nest of spiders in a huge ass web beside Shawn’s cabinet and behind the door (which we usually would not see). Sure, they were just a dozen Daddy Long Legs, no venom whatsoever, but hell, a nest of the world’s most hated creation, venom or not, isn’t a comfort to most people. Myself included.  And we’re not in Australia either. Sure, some people keep them in their homes as pets, but I’m not some people. And when you’re living in a small, 4×4 meters shared bunk with three others, you’d better damn well compromise.

So I did what was expected. I swept up the nest with a broom which I threw away, and burnt the remaining webs and nest. When Shawn heard the news, he wondered why I killed his pets that was fending off mosquitoes for him. I told him that since we’re living in the same room, I didn’t want over a dozen spiders crawling freely around (and my other bunk mates agreed) and that he should be thankful I wasn’t normal enough to want to burn the whole room in fear.

2: Ants Aren’t Attracted to Coke

One night, Shawn brought up a can of Coke which he finished, placed on the table, and went to bed. I saw it when I got in, was too tired to care but wanted to get rid of it anyways, went to sleep telling myself to throw it in the morning. I forgot about it when I rushed out after oversleeping the next day and the can of Coke just bugged me for the whole morning cause I didn’t like ants. They are my most hasted insects, even ahead of spiders.

So during lunch time, I went back up to my bunk just to check if anyone threw the can yet. And there was Shawn and the other swimmer guy. I told them I came up specifically to throw the Coke away since I was afraid it’d attract ants.

Shawn’s reply? “Aiyo, ants are not attracted to Coke lah.” (I’m gonna add the Singapore slang, cause it’s more accurate that way)

“What?” I replied. “Are you sure ants are not attracted to Coke?”

Shawn: Yeah. See, left the can there for a whole night. Also no ants.

Me: That’s because there are no ants in the room. I don’t want it to start.

Shawn: Nevermind. Ants are not attracted to Coke anyways. Coke is a stain remover. Can use wash toilet one. (Says the guy who drank the Coke)

Me: And how do you know that ants are not attracted to coke?

And I fucking kid you not, this was his completely serious, not missing a beat, completely self confident reply.

Shawn: Cause I poured Coke on ants once and they ran away.

My bunk mate (lets call him Nick), said, “What? Are you serious?” not to the idea that ants are not attracted to Coke mind you, but by the completely retarded train of thought.

Me: I pour maple syrup on the ants and they’ll also run away!

Shawn: Exactly my point!

Nick: What the fuck? (In disbelief) You pour anything on the ants they’ll also run away lah!

Shawn: Why?

Me: (facepalm) Because they don’t want to die?

After Nick and I debated on a needlessly stupid topic with Shawn and explaining why ants (or any living thing whatsoever) will run away when 1000x more liquid than their body size are poured on them, sugar or not, this happened.

Nick: (concluding) So ants are still attracted to Coke.

And that brings us to the number one on this list. Shawn’s reply?

1: I Meant Diet Coke

Fuck.